My Reason

Some of us were put on earth to do great things. Some have had a great impact in history and will be remembered forever. There are those of us with endless talent, wit, or some great gift to offer mankind. We have all met people who fit into such categories. The ones we know we will remember long after they have left our lives. The ones who will make a difference. I am not one of those people.

That doesn’t mean I lack purpose. I just think it’s a little more simple, and yet much more complicated than those of you talented folks out there. I was put here to love a boy. I know it may sound aimless in comparison to those who are out there changing the world…but you must understand what it means to really love someone. Not a silly, vacuous love, but a love that transcends death. One that can make anything possible.

I remember my life when I was alone. After him. If my purpose is love, why must I tell you about being alone? Because to understand how much you love someone, first you have to know how much you can endure for them. What will you go through to keep them close to you, even if only in your head, and in the delusion that maybe they’ll come back one day.

I had you for a time, and then as quickly as you had come, you vanished. I would wake up without the reassurance of the warm bed telling me you were just down the hall. I was left with memories of a man, that slowly gave way to memories of a ghost. Soon, I could barely remember the way your hand felt, tracing it’s way along my skin. I died that day, and every day after when I would open my eyes to the absence of your face. Straining my ears for the sound of your voice. Waiting for your arms to come and rescue me. Arms that never came.

And so I buried myself in mourning. A constant flow of grief that only you could stop. I fixed my thoughts on where you might be at that moment. What you might be doing. You had disappeared, and I had ceased to be. If I could get close enough to you, I knew you would come back to me, but you had taken no chances in letting me get close. Did you know when you left you would kill me so slowly? There is no agony like this.

The voices in my world, floating voices lacking a body, they tormented me, wondering if you were ever even real. "Or did I imagine you," they asked me… because the you we remember was sweet and good and kind. You are not capable of inflicting such pain. And so I sank down so far even the Gods wouldn’t acknowledge my suffering any longer.

Everyone said to let go of you and let myself smile again, but I told them that the day I knew true sadness was the day I allowed myself to forget your name. For years I lived this way, until finally, I could bring myself to stand up and open my eyes. I hadn’t had strength like this since the last time you had been by my side. It was almost as though I was starting to feel again. But how could I feel when everything that mattered to me in the world had gone?

The voices that had long tormented me were quiet now. Instead I heard a new voice, saying my name. I looked up, to see that face I had seen in my dreams for so many years. I met your eyes, and in that moment I realized I was not the only one who had been suffering all this time. You too had felt the heartache that missing me could bring. I had been calling until I could barely speak. What had taken you so long to come back to me? I didn’t care. I only cared that you had eventually heard me. Somehow we were back where we left things. Everything was going to be alright. You held me close to you, and in that moment, I knew I was home.

And since that day, life is nothing but amazing. If I had had to wait in pain for another lifetime to get where I am now, know this, I would be waiting. Nothing could make me give up on the person I was put here to love. Everyone has a purpose. I guess it’s just about finding yours.

I’m not funny, or brainy, or great looking, or very talented…but I know I can love him more than anyone could ever love him. I’ve gone through hell, literally, to be where I am now, and I don’t regret a day of it. Ever since I’ve heard his name, he’s been a part of my soul, and he will be even after I am gone. At least through all my suffering, he was there with me. I'm lucky I guess.  I still have yet to experience sadness.

“True sadness would be the day I allowed myself to forget his name. “

-Jennifer (for Jack)